Why I Have No Friends 

“OMG that is so true… Let me call Lu…”

Oh that’s right I have no friends.
Now honestly I’m not looking for sympathy or emotional support, because I have truly gotten over it. But the reality is when you have a child you end up losing friends.

I remember when I got pregnant with Splod it was hurrays and hippie from my ex friends. All day and late night chats about how they couldn’t wait for him to arrive and how we would do this and that.

Granted when Splod did arrive they all flocked around him with oooh and aaahs… Now 10 months in, where are they?
I didn’t expect them to be all over us like a rash, but the texts stopped and there was no more visits.

The two times they did visit was over personal issues I was going through and needed their support. The struggle to get them over was ridiculous. Which resulted in me having to go over to see them on the bus, with a no more than one month old, even though they drive. Once at their place, it was quite obvious they just wanted to hear the juicy gossip of my life, rather than just being good friends.

“They have their own lives” I told myself when I was feeling particularly down (post natal depression). I started making excuses for their absence and blaming myself “maybe I should of been more active and bubbly in conversations” “maybe Splods crying does their head in”… The more negative I kept thinking the more negative I got. I became reclusive, I lost my voice and became housebound.

“Go to baby group and make new friends” my boyfriend told me. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to make new friends, I wanted my old friends.
Then sadness turned to anger. “Fuck them” I said one morning. I don’t need them. I was allowing myself to be swallowed into a shell and not face reality just because I had no friends.

I found the courage to combat my shyness when meeting people for the first time and took Splod to baby group. It was so nerve wrecking initially as the mums had already formed friendships with other mums, and instead of trying to interact, I kept my head down and tried to guide Splod to play with some toys. But I didn’t let that first mishap stop me. I kept going and after a while I found myself cracking a joke with one mum, then it turned to more conversations with a few other mums and now 5 months later I am friendly with all the mums there and have also formed close relationships with two of them. Yes they are new friendships and with all new things potentially might not last, but they are so lovely and we have so much in common, number one being that we are mums. We don’t expect too much from each other, and if one of us don’t get into regular contact it’s not taken personally because we can relate and know that we might just be very busy or truthfully just cant talk at that very moment.

Do I miss my old friends… Truthfully yes and no. Yes I miss them when I think of the good times we had and the personal things we shared, but then I don’t miss them because I can’t remember any good times we had after I had my son and all I can think of was the pure drama of trying to see them.

So to all the mums and mums to be out there who might, or have already gone through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It will feel like you are going through your most darkest moments but trust me it’s probably the lack of sleep that has you feeling that way mostly. Don’t waste your thoughts and hold a grudge for too long because if they were really your friends they would still be around today.

This experience has really taught me a lot and I value so much more the people who I have in my life. Below are my tips on how to maintain your friendships after having a child and also what to do if you ever find your self in my position.

TALK– Remember communication goes both ways. Don’t wait for them to always call you. Sometimes they need to feel like you still want to hear from them

VISIT– This again is a two way street. Your friends should be more compromising to come see you, especially if you have just had the baby. Other than that take a weekend and leave your little one with their dad, grandparents, etc, to go and see your friends for a couple hours, or even meet up in town to have coffee and a catch up.

RESPECT– If there is no respect for one another in the friendship, its straight up not going to last. If there is something bothering you over the friendship then talk about it with that person. The worse thing you can both do is to start gossiping to others and abusing the relationship. Its not healthy and it can seriously deteriorate the friendship.

SPACE– We all need space time from time, to be able to just think alone or simply to grow. Having a healthy amount of space from one another is very beneficial as it allows the friendship to grow without being in each others faces 100% of the time, plus it gives you both a chance to miss each other. This can really strengthen the bond between you and your friend.

BEING YOURSELF– There is nothing worse than having to compromise the real you just to please others. To be honest this is something I still struggle with as I am a people pleaser. If your friends are truly your friends then they will accept you good or bad. Now I’m not saying its acceptable if you are constantly be a moody git and your expecting them to always be around when you are feeling soppy, because they do too have their own shit they are probably going through. but there needs to be a nice balance of mutual love and understanding for one another.

JUSTIFYING BAD BEHAVIOUR– So your haven’t seen your friends after a certain amount time that doesn’t seem plausible. Don’t automatically cut them off. Try and get into contact to see what the issue is. If they are feeding you with a whole load of nonsense that you don’t think is good enough then let it go. Do not justify their behaviour for not being a good friend, once you start letting that happen expect to see it more often. Know your self worth. Do I deserve better than this?

REPEATING THE CYCLE– You came to your senses and realise that your friend was no good for you. Don’t go and make the same mistake by finding another friend and going through the same process again. You are essentially starting from fresh so don’t go looking for the same type of person that later down the line will have you back at square one again.

GO OUT– Staying indoors and not wanting to see the day of light will have you eventually going insane. You need to just get up and go out. Getting some fresh air will do the body and mind some good. Get yourself into going to different group or events where you can meet new people. As the famous saying goes ‘This too shall pass’, Just know you wont remain in this funk forever.

POSITIVE FRIENDS– Do make sure that the people you have in your life or bring into your life are positive people. There is nothing I hate more than a constant Negative Nancy. You need to surround yourself with good energy. Someone you can laugh with, who is caring, genuine, patient, empowering and inspires you to be a better you. That’s a true friend.

ACCEPTING IT’S OVER– Realistically we have to acknowledge that not all friendships will stay the same forever. Its going to be gut wrenching, painful, saddening, and sometimes quite scary, especially when you have grown up with that particular friend/s. At the end of the day we are all changing everyday and nothing ever remains the same. Naturally you will just drift apart from people. When its over, its over. Try not to dwell to much over it and find the time to heal and take it as good learning experience. Remember that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it was not written for them to be a permanent fixture in your life, maybe they came in to your life for some unknown purpose, whatever it may be, its fine to feel how you feel… but just know you will be OK regardless.

Woooo that was an emotional one. As much as I do love to have a laugh and a joke on my blog, I like raising topics and awareness of the things we as human beings go through. The tips are not just for people who have kids but for anyone, if you put it into your own perspective. Has anyone or anyone you know gone through this? What did you do? What did you advice?  I would love to hear from you all. If you would like personally do not hesitate to send me an email, which you can find the Contact section, or you can send me a DM on my Twitter . Thank you so much for reading guys and I’ll see you in my next post.

 

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68 thoughts on “Why I Have No Friends 

  1. I’m so shocked this happened to you ! How your friends can turn their backs! Although it’s sad to say most people in life are their for the highs in life but not the lies ! I’m so happy you pushed and keptd going to the baby group and met the other mums! Also you have us nutters too !!!!! In life we learn things so don’t worry at least you know they were only fake !!!!

    https://onoitafashiondesign.wordpress.com

    Love Nat xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Nat! It’s girls like you and our other crazy bunch that show true friendships. It was so hard to digest that they were fake at such a pivotal point in my life! I see now they were all about the high life and didn’t want to hung down with a new mama. It’s been such a experience for me but it’s definitely made me a stronger person. Xxxxx

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  2. It’s disgusting how they treat yo no jokes I’m so stunned! My best friend is having a baby I can’t wait I even wanna be god mum !!! I know it’s not easy as I come from a single parent background. These people probably haven’t had their test in life yet but believe me when they do it will hit them. You’ve done so well and come so far don’t let them come back to knock you down! And yeah you have us mad heads too 😂😂😂😘😘❤️❤️❤️ love you xxxxxxx

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    1. Some people literally don’t have their priorities in check. I can’t even blame it on them being young because there are so many mature young people out there. I believe in karma. So that’s why I walked away quietly, no need for additional drama. I’ve closed the chapter on those friendships so there is no going back. Love you too boo 😘😘😘❤️❤️❤️❤️xxxxx

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  3. That’s so sad that you had to go through that. Everything happens for a reason though, one day it will all come clear!! Glad you kept going with the baby groups! Good for you x

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    1. Thank you liv for reading. You know it cut me the most after I had my son because obviously my hormones were on ultra high. But now I don’t bat an eyelid, everything I need and want is in my life as it should be. You are definitely right, everything does happen for a reason. I love baby group!!! 😊😊 xx

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  4. Being the mother of two I just wanted to say that I hear you. But also to maybe offer a different angle to what you’re writing because it does make me feel a little sad that you have to go through that. I’m in my thirties and I had a friend who became a mother in her twenties when we were all about the partying lifestyle. It was a little bit difficult to know in the beginning how to merge the two lifestyles and I’m sure that she did feel alone. But also, she made it clear that this was her choice in life, she wanted to have babies in her twenties even though she knew that her friends probably wouldn’t get on that band wagon in years to come. When it became time for the rest of us to have kids she was there offering advice. What I wanted to say, really, is that we all go through different phases in our lives at different times in our lifes. And sometimes people are just being people that are unsure of what to do. Many people feel like they don’t know what to do in this situation, especially if they don’t have any children of their own. Sometimes, just sometimes the friendships do come back a year or two after a maternity leave (that’s what we call it in Denmark, where I’m from). I see that you are saying that the friendships are over but I just wanted to say that maybe they will contact you again some day, missing you and not realize the troubles they have caused in your life. (sorry, English isn’t my first language i hope what I’m saying doesn’t come out to harsh or anything. Otherwise, just delete it! I wanted it to be supporting :). Best Ditte

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you ditte for commenting. I absolutely want to see and hear different opinions on my blog. I hear exactly what your saying. It’s true that maybe they just didn’t no how to cope with me being a mum, but I was not asking anything from them expect to just be my friend. I think a lot of people are accepting to welcoming old friendships back into their lives. But right at this point and time it’s just not something I am open to. I hold no hurt or grudge against them. I’m just happy at where I am at today. Thank you so much for reading xx

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  5. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I am literally the only one out of my friends without any kids, but I could not imagine not talking to them or seeing their kids and just being a part of their lives.

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  6. This is a very amazing post and glad you brought this up! I’m not a mom but can definitely understand the point of having no friends. When I gotten out of school/college it was very difficult to adjust to not having those friends around especially when I often turned a blind eye to the fact that they had a lot more “cooler” friends that liked to party and drink aka not me lol so when they stopped talking to me it hurt and it hurt a lot especially in a small town where all there is is clinques even as adults! I’ve learned to cope with not having friends for a long time and I’ve become content with it and learned that eventually I’ll meet new friends but I also know I have to get out there and try lol my shyness and mindset is not at that point yet haha. Through it all I did find one good friend that didn’t care about just having a good time but actually cared about being a friend unfortunately she’ll be moving away but hopefully i’ll be able to visit one day. seriously awesome post and so glad you’ve found the right friendships! Sometime you have to strip away what u want to get what you need.

    Jasmine 🙂
    colorubold.com

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    1. Jasmine you said it all! It seems that in today’s world friendships are just not as tight as they used to be. Which I find really sad because any friendships I have I like to see them as being part of my family. Unfortunately there are just a lot of selfish people out there that are more concerned on themselves and what you can do for them.
      Being shy is the worst right!? Lol. I am naturally a bubbly loud person. But when I meet someone for the first time I’m like a turtle and just want to hide. I’m so weird. I hope you and your friend still manage to keep your friendship even with the distance. You are so right we do sometimes need to not fear the unknown and just go for it. Thanks again jasmine :)) xxx

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      1. You are so right today’s world has changed in so many ways, its just not the same! I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks that! Yep when I become friends someone I cherish it and when I see that its only a one way street it discourages me from trying anymore. Ahhh shyness is good in some ways but the worst in most other ways haha I’m naturally a more introverted person but at the same time extremely loud and extroverted with people I become friends with, oh and if you come around my family I’m even louder lol. So when I’m comfortable around someone they will see it haha but when I’m not ooooh beware of turtle!

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      2. Loool we are so alike. Being from an African family there is no such thing as peaceful! You literally need to shout to get your voice heard 😂. Exactly if the friendship is not going to be a two way thing then it’s not worth having. I’m not a street post for you to just hang on whenever you need me. We all have feelings and emotions at the end of the day xx

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  7. Laura! You hit the nail on the head with this one. A topic that not many people would be brave enough to post, I have one on friendships also so this is close to my heart. I’ve grown up with so many lovely ppl that I love and considered extended family you know the cool ones that you wish you had? But it’s inevitable that sometimes you will just grow apart, through various reasons and yeah it hurts, why wouldn’t it? I find this post so relatable because I often feel alone, like I have no one, yes I have my close friends and I love them dearly but I still feel alone due to there being smaller friendships within bigger ones. So you know what I’ve done lately, put on my big girl shoes and said its ok to be a one man band, at least you know where you stand. Have your close circle of people you can depend on, then keep it stepping! You are blessed with a bundle of joy, you win each and every time! And as new as this friendship is, I’m always at the end of a tweet! Haha x

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    1. Awww Shannon!!! We can definitely relate! I like what you said about putting on your big girl shoes! At the end of the day we came into this world alone and we die alone! But having good people around you while we are still living is so important to me. It’s all about quality over quantity for me now as I grow up. And you are def one friendship I have found that I hope progresses over time! 😘😘xx

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      1. Awwww bless you, so do I! 👭 Yeah I say big girl shoes because as old as I am I can be such a baby lol! But definitely quantity doesn’t compare to quality! I can count real friends on one hand and that’s fine by me – less drama! 😘

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  8. I cant relate, but I feel you!! This happens to every different step you take in life (leaving your hometown for your study, getting married, having a baby etc..). I hope you keep living your life and find good people to surround yourself with 😉

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    1. Aww thank you for taking the time to read it. I’m honestly amazed by how many people have gone through this. It’s appalling. It makes trusting people very hard . It has mostly affected me for the better. Big blogger cyber hugs back to you Hun!!! 😘😘xx

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  9. i read every single word, im not a mum and im positive im not going to be anytime soon. but this is such great advice, and the fact that you shared something so personal with us makes me really glad to be one of your follower. Thank you!!

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  10. I think every mom goes through this transition stage with friends after having their first. Your entire perspective changed as you carried then brought a new person into the world. People who have not had this earth shifting change can’t fathom the change. Your entire life and choices all revolve around this new being whether you want it to or not (that child is fully dependent on you). It changes everything.

    I am lucky that my friends understood and were patient with the lack of free time fun that I had before. The best thing was to make mom friends. It’s overwhelming and intimidating. Humans are social creatures and we only thrive when we have support. Thanks for sharing your story.

    No one should be afraid to make new friends as a mom. It’s scary because of mommy wars and nonsense. But we’re better together! Its one of the reason why I was so excited to find your blog. It’s like having another mommy friend in my support system! You’re awesome!

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    1. OMG you are too kind!!! I would definitely recommend mums out there to also connect with other mums as its a big thing they will have in common. That’s not to say you shouldn’t have non mum friends. Aww I’m glad you found my blog and anytime you need to talk I’m just on the other side of the web Loool xx

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  11. It’s terrible isn’t it, I don’t have children but it happens in all situations. Years ago when I was ill my friends kicked rocks didn’t want to visit me in hospital because ‘they don’t like them’ like what!!! it’s painful when friendships drift or break apart, good friendships are no different to relationship breakups you feel bereft and heartbroken, but we must move on x

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  12. I hear you. I became a Mom in my mid-twenties way before all of my friends. In fact, many of my friends still do not have children. It’s hardest to connect with the latter friends when your kids are still young because they don’t understand they can’t call you at midnight and you can’t go out as often, but it does get easier as your kids go grow up (and as your friends mature). I came to accept that the friends that were not there for me during that time were not true friends, and I tried my best to make new ones. It’s difficult (I am shy), but it is an opportunity to make room for new and often stronger friendships. And it’s great to have other Moms to talk to because they know what you are going through. Big hug!!

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    1. Big hugs to you Melissa. It’s so hard when your shy to come out of shell to make new friends, but it’s something we have to swallow and try and pull through. Understandable if friends who don’t have kids won’t know the full extent of what it’s like to be a mother, but that shouldn’t give them a free pass to just leave your life. But as the saying goes onwards and upwards, things have a way of sorting themselves out! Thanks for reading girly xx

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  13. Same thing happened to me when I had Max, I was the first one to have a baby and they were all still going out and drinking every weekend. Our lives were so different and we drifted apart, it was heartbreaking and I felt very lonely. But eventually we got close again and now one of my friends has 2 kids of her own, so she knows what it’s like to be a mum! I made 2 very good friends when I had Max, met them online originally but they live locally so see them regularly. They even ended up having their second babies at the same time as I had Evie so we’re all close and so are the kids. Xx

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    1. Awww I’m glad. Did it feel weird reconnecting with your friends and did you hold any animosity towards them? I’m so surprised by how common this actually is. It’s also good you made new friends after and you are so close now. Thank you for sharing your story xxx

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  14. This is so relatable. I had a very severe depression starting in February last year that eventually got diagnosed as bipolar disorder and PTSD; I had to stop working and couldn’t get out of the house. My best friend of 9 years moved to Wales with major family drama and my other closest friend finally finished her PhD and went back to Cornwall, then basically told me she didn’t believe in mental illnesses(!!!!). I wasn’t safe to drive at the time and I hadn’t told my family (my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins) what was wrong with me because I didn’t want to let them down or see their faces when they found out I was mentally ill (this, on reflection, was stupid). I was hoping when I got pregnant that I could make a fresh start and make lots of new friends with other mums at mums’ groups and stuff, but now here I am, should be 5 months pregnant, but I’m not, and it’s very likely that I can’t safely have kids at all. So I’m having to work out a new way to get back out there when everyone’s either going out on the pull (and I’m married and have to be in bed asleep by 10pm due to meds) or staying in with their boyfriends/kids. I’m hoping to go back to university and study marketing in September, then I might finally make some new friends.
    Your tips are excellent though and I think some of them apply to social networking too – blogging seems to be a great way to make online friends.

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    1. Awww bless you for sharing your story. Mental illness is not something that should not be paid attention too. I find it disgusting that your friend said its not a real illness, how very disrespectful!! You shouldn’t be afraid to tell your family about it, as they are the ones who will support you the most. Don’t worry when it’s your time to have kids, you will be blessed with many and be a fantastic mum! When you do go back to uni, you will make plenty of friends without a doubt. That’s the good thing about uni it’s just sooo sociable. Plus making friends online is very popular these days and especially for us bloggers. I’ve spoken and made friends with a bunch of lovely people. Keep going and keep strong girl!! Xxx

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  15. Hi,
    Important post for new mothers. You become friends with your children’s friends mothers.
    Congratulations on being Danny Ray’s featured blogger. I was his featured blogger too. I met you on his site. Maybe you can check out my blog if you need a blogging tip for two. That’s what I blog about.
    Janice

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  16. Laura this was just the stuff I needed to read!, I have the same issue, you see you expect your friends to be there for you, but what sucks is they only need u for the happy times, but rarely there when you actually need them. I also believe it’s hard to have colleagues as your friends, since they always have a competitive intention with you and try to bitch around about you.

    At this moment I don’t feel like I want to deal with this crap, I have better things to focus on and be positive about life, I always feel when friends are there only for the good times they are just fake and use you for their own advantage or boredom!

    Thanks for this article, I now feel I’m not alone and that does not make me antisocial!

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    1. Aww Sarah! You are definitely not alone, and far from anti social, you are just guarded because of what you have been through! And that’s is 100% justifiable. When you have had the same set of friends for many years, it comes as a shock to you when they don’t share in your major life events. Hopefully you will receive good valued friendships in your life. We all deserve it. Xx

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  17. A friend of mine had a baby more than a year ago, as long as she was on maternity leave I visited her at least once a week. The moment she went back to work we kinda lost contact and I always get the feeling that she’s not available, busy with everything. I just took a step back and gave her the space and the choice to arrange our meetings herself as I am available as always. Have you ever thought of that version? Maybe it’s a different side of the same coin? Your post is VERY interesting 😉

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    1. Hi connie! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I absolutely see your point of view. The only difference is that I was reaching out. I didn’t shut away from them. I’m sure your friend must of been busy with the baby, but the fact you were making time for her it should of been reciprocated. So I do get your point. I guess it’s very much based on the individual and how much they value their friendships? :))

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  18. It’s true. This happens 99,9% of the time. There are several milestones in life when our situations and priorities change which kicks off an entire renewal of everything…friendships included. Graduating, marriage, kids, leaving a long held job place, retirement, etc. In my opinion, these are graduations from one step in life to another. Necessary ones in order to grow and mature. If nothing changed, we’d have the same group of girlfriends we’ve had since school (not a bad a thing to keep some of those lifelong friends) but would have essentially denied ourselves the ability to experience what else is out there..what life has to offer. With growth, comes change. It’s a good thing.

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  19. I’ve been trying to find a way to blog about this situation myself. Although I’m not a parent- I find that the older I get the harder it is to maintain that one circle of friends I once had. I know it’s just how life works but the loneliness can be so crippling, especially when I look back on the time in my life where there was always someone to call. I hope you know you’re not alone and that being friendless affects all walks of life. We’ll be better in the end because of it. ❤️❤️

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    1. Aww thank you so much for reading. I would love to hear your story. I have definitely seen from this post and elsewhere that loss of friendships affect a LOT of people. Not just mothers. Would love to here from your perspective what went wrong. I have grown and taken it as a fundamental learning experience. What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger eh? Xx💕

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  20. I feel you! My son is two and I sometimestill feel like I hardly see my child free friends. I glad you found some moms in the group. My boyfriend also suggested this to me as well, but I didn’t do it. My friends (the same 3 I had since highschool) make more of an effort now to come around, which is great! Maybe because my son is older.

    PS. Post-partum is no joke. I went through it. Some days I feel like it’s still lingers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s horrible isn’t it. But you just have to get yourself out there. I’m happy your friends make more of an effort now! I know exactly what you mean, I’m just putting it down to lack of sleep and stress. Thank you for reading x💕💕

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  21. This is very interesting because the opposite happened to me 🙂 I lost so many friends when they all started having babies. I’d call and they’d say they are too busy and they’ll call back later. But they never did. Many of them also moved to the countryside where big houses are cheaper. I thought to myself this must be natural, since they’ve entered a new phase in life with new priorities and I’m no longer one, they don’t need me anymore. I guess whichever way you look at it, it’s clear that this is a difficult phase, a make-or-break for friendships. Wishing you all the best xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have def been able to see the two sides to this and it’s very interesting. With yours you still tried to remain in contact with them which is beautiful. It’s a shame you couldn’t still be a priority, but I’m learning that is just how life is. Take care Hun xxx

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  22. Yes, social life definitely changes when having a kid! It’s great to find other moms to hang with. I also have a great appreciation for single friends who are willing to come over in the evenings when we can’t go out because the little guy is in bed. I read a really funny, heartfelt book (I think it’s called Women are Scary) which has humorous anecdotes about trying to make friends with other moms. It made me laugh and was comforting to read how other women felt intimidated, too, when trying to make friends.
    We all need friends –especially fellow female friends — so I’m grateful you are making some new ones! Keep on keepin’ on! 🙂

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