Why I choose not to have a second child

why I choose not to have another child

I’ve attempted to write this post at least four times and each time I have felt clammy and had sweaty palms. But not today. I am at that point in my life of giving zero f*** and frankly it feels so damn good. Is this subject controversial? Hell yeah, but I’m choosing to share my truth, because among the many trolls who will most likely have something to say, I know there are people who will be able to understand and relate to my decision.

OK, so lets get into it, I don’t want anymore children. I have a two year old son and I am content. Like fully content. I have been told that I am being selfish, depriving my child of a sibling and pretty much spitting in the face of woman who cant have kids. If all that said is in fact true, then guess what…. I DON’T CARE. Surprisingly the pressure to have a second child has been greater than when I had my first and the whole pressure and input from others honestly perplexes me at times.

Pregnancy Journey

My pregnancy wasn’t difficult physically, I mean I did have an issue of a large cyst growing at one point, but it was nothing major, but it was nothing compared to the  emotional side of the pregnancy… that was the real kicker. I’m not talking about the common mood swings and the constant irritable feeling that naturally comes with being pregnant. I’m talking deep down raw emotions. The body numbing emotions where you feel like your in a vortex just replaying over and over possible directions your life is going into. This is not what I signed up for. I knew pregnancy would be no walk in the park, but I just didn’t get to enjoy actually being pregnant. One thing I would advice people out there is to really get to know your other half. You need to find out important stuff like their religious beliefs, their input on discipline, how their own upbringing was like. It might sound daunting and a mood killer but you have no idea how these informations are such an essential. I made the mistake of having to find out these kind of information when I was already pregnant and the stress was overwhelming and unbearable. Fun ideas I always had in my head of having a pregnancy photo shoot or having my belly moulded in those cast thingamajigs were dashed out the window while I was instead having to deal with my excruciating thoughts and demons.

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The First Six Months

When I think about the first six months of being a mother, my heart legit clenches EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Truthfully, I hated it. Believe it or not it actually has nothing to do with my son, but more of how I felt. I will never again cry depression when I am having a bad day or when I feel like shit ain’t going my way, because when depression really hits you (god forbid), you will truly know what it means to be depressed. Imagine yourself going outside, having the cold winds slap you in the face but you are so numb to it. Your walking to your destination but everything feels and looks a blur, nothing makes any sense and your scared shitless but there is that little sane part of you that knows you have responsibility for this innocent child in front of you, and you are truly fighting with your inner self to overcome this battle your going through. Its so damn hard. I never ever want to be in the position of where I don’t feel in control of my mind. The soul crushing, unspeakable dark thoughts that went through my head during that time is something I never want to relive or even chance again.

Then there was my ex walking out on us when my son was 3 months. Just try to fathom having to adjust to being a newly single mother with a newborn, dealing with depression/ postpartum and having to grief over the breakup of an ex. Listen I know there are worst shit people are going through in this world, but I am talking about myself and what I’ve gone through and what I’ve learned is that not only am I sensitive as a person but I’m highly sensitive to changes. I cant cope with sudden changes, especially when I don’t see it coming. It knocks me for six and I become very vulnerable. And no I don’t have ‘man issues’ because of my ex leaving. He is a fantastic father and we are friends, though I would be telling a lie if I said it hasn’t left a certain effect on me.

why i don't want anymore children

Why do we have different dads?

Now wait, before you throw your pitchforks and stones at me, hear me out. Before I even had my son, I have always been traditional in the sense of I’ve wanted all my kids to have the same father. No there is nothing wrong with having kids by different men, you do you Barbara. I actually commend mothers who have more than one baby father, because they didn’t let one negative experience deter them from having more kids, and I am very sure they would of dealt with a lot of backlash from family, friends and strangers. I on the other hand unfortunately just cant do it.

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Future Relationships

So your possibly going to risk meeting ‘the one’ because you don’t want to have anymore kids? Yes thats right. I know that telling any guy I meet that I don’t want anymore children can be a relationship breaker but thats the risk I am willing to take, and if the person I am seeing cant accept that, then they are obviously not meant for me. Its not something I would be shouting out on the first date, but if I saw that a possible relationship could be leading to something deeper, it would definitely be a conversation I would have to address before anything went further. I am also in the uncertainty boat in regards to whether i would have a long term relationship with someone who has children. That is a very big responsibility and would come with a lot of compromising on both parts and I am not quite sure whether it is something i would be willing to deal with, but I haven’t fully discounted that possibility.

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Do It For The Culture

My mum is one of 12 children, so a big family mentality is cemented to her naturally. Explaining to her that her grandson is the only grandchild she is going to have is like an abomination to her. She cant accept it and anyone from an African background knows full well when your parents are not happy with a decision of yours, you are not going to hear the last of it, like EVER. Its like some unwritten rule in the african culture that you must have plenty children. Why please?  What she and everyone else who keeps bugging me about it don’t understand is that you are just putting me off the idea of more children even more so. I don’t need your pressure and your opinions drilling into my head. You are not going to be responsible for this child, your not going to have to deal with unwanted emotions, feelings of insecurities; point blank its not your body or your damn business for that matter, so stop throwing the culture baggage down my throat.

Show Me The Money

Can I just focus on financial aspect for a second? A child is by no means cheap. It costs almost a quarter of a millIon pounds to raise a child up to the age of 21. WOW.  Times have changed. Where it was possible to have a quite a big family and be relatively ok money wise can not be said for todays reality in my opinion. I was very blessed to have a mother who could provide everything she wanted for her children and I want to be the same for my son. I am in the position right now where my child doesn’t go without, he would never go without, but theres so much I want to do and learn to be able to give him much more.

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This world is fucked

I get anxiety on just how truly this world is messed up. I am not trying to bring anymore children into this fuckery. Before my son I initially always wanted to have a girl first, I am glad I don’t. Lets keep it real we are living in a “rape culture” world right now. There are far too many self entitled individuals that think they can have what they want when they want. Its all to real and damn scary. Disgustingly, many children of today have and will probably be a victim to these heinous crimes happening. I really am not trying to go to jail if anyone messes with my child and I vow to myself everyday to make sure I teach my son to be very respectable, understand boundaries and simply be a decent human being.

You know I understand a lot of you probably wont understand or agree with my decision, but what you need to realise is its NOT YOUR place to. I am also not seeking your approval, you and my uterus are not in a relationship so bugger off.  I am in my every right to do and go about what I like with my body and life and I don’t need to answer to anyone (well expect my mum… sometimes). I am sick of hearing:

“Your Selfish”,

“Your Role as a woman is to reproduce”,

“Your weak”,

“Your child is missing out”,

“Your gonna regret it”,

“No man is ever going to want you” .

Please just jog on with your views or opinions, I don’t need to be condemn by you or have to hear it. I really hope this post does help someone who is maybe going through this situation and feeling guilty about it. I want to express to you that you don’t and shouldn’t feel that way and understand you are your own person and you can do whatever you like.

 

What decisions have you made, that people just didn’t agree with? 

 

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*Pictures taken by Stacey Louise White
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23 thoughts on “Why I choose not to have a second child

  1. I loved this post. I was so interested to see how you addressed this as we have obviously discuses this on many occasions. I obviously still want more kids but can relate to so many points. Sometimes I question if I definitely do because it’s bloody hard and for me the insecurities and the feeling down have been a massive issue( especially lately) but it’s really nice to actually read someone’s honest views about pregnancy and children instead of pretending it’s all rainbows and cupcakes. I literally could not agree with your point about knowing you partner. I’ve known my partner for 10 years and still to this day we have things we don’t know about each other and things we never discuses prior to children and sometimes is bloody hard when you both want what’s best for your child and I really respect you for opening up about everything. Anyway you know if you ever need anything I am always here!

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    1. Aw thank you so much stace! You already know my hesitancy about writing this post, but I’m so glad I did it. Parenthood can be sugarcoated so much because no one ever wants to look or come across as a bad parent but the reality is it’s not all sunshine and roses all the time. It’s so hard and I just want to show to others that it’s ok to not be superwoman and not to feel guilty about it either xx

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  2. I can relate to this post. I have a four year old. His dad and I got out of a 12 year relationship, I’m 27. I’m in a new relationship now and we have talked about kids and we dont want any. My boyfriend is raising his 5 year old little brother as his own and he knows how hard it is to have a kid and all the responsibility it comes with. We are content with my son and his little brother. Its a personal choice to make and no one should feel the need to judge. Great post.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading Jeanette! It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m so happy you have found a partner who is on the sane wavelength as you and that you are both content! You are right it’s a personal choice, plus it’s YOUR choice and that’s all that matters. Wishing you all the best xx

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  3. Wow this post was written straight from the heart and I felt every word of it. Thank you for sharing such a sensitive and a personal topic with us hun, I totally understand where you’re coming from.. thank you for your valuable insight, it def left an impact. Sending lots of love 💕😘 xo

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    1. Oh wow thank you so much! It was definitely written with raw emotions and I was a bit worried that I would come across a bit abrasive, but I also just wanted to speak my truth. Thank you for your understanding and comment! Wishing you the best ❤️

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  4. I am so proud of you for writing this post, and for most of all writing it so sincerely and so well. You spoke from the heart and also allowed us an insight into your choices which is a privilege in this day and age because with people being so quick to judge out there it makes it hard to want to share your personal opinions! I hear you girl and I can see exactly why you don’t want to have anymore children and I can’t see why anyone firstly has an opinion on what you should be doing with your life and secondly why they can’t understand that you’ve been through a lot in your first pregnancy! I think you’re bloody amazing and this post was a such a good read! Keep doing you babe!! Xxxx

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    1. Your really trying to make me cry aren’t you! Thank you so much for your sweet words. I definitely spoke from my heart and it was so easy for it to pour out as I had been bottling it up for the longest. I just hope this post helps someone who might be going through the same thing and to also show the people who get to involved to just mind their business! Xx

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  5. I don’t know why people have an issue. It’s your choice. You have one child and your content. The same if people want 5 children or none, they shouldn’t have to justify it to people. I grew up an only child, my brother was born when I was at uni. I never missed out etc, I learnt to make friends or play with cousins. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Danni! My point exactly. It really is no one else’s issue but my own. My son is very happy and has loads of cousins and family who he interacts with so he is not missing out and if anything he will always have my undivided attention. Xx

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    1. You are absolutely right. Being a mum is very hard work and every mother out their has their own personal story. I don’t need to be told what I should do with my life it’s my choice! Thank you for taking the time to read.

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  6. It amazes me that one of the personal things ever…is so debated and scrutinised. I’ve always said that I would be happy either way – not having kids or having some, but a few just can’t fathom it. And it’s crazy that you were apprehensive on posting because it’s 100% your right to feel this way.
    I can’t believe how screwed up the world is and despite all the coverage at the minute on sexual assault, I know that so much of it is still hidden and not discussed.
    You write really well and I loved reading. x

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    1. I’m so angry at myself for holding back on this post, but I think i was stuck in a trying to please everyone phase. I just got to the point of not giving a damn anymore and it’s such a weight off my shoulders! The world is such a mess and o would rather concentrate on my child I have now and raise him to be a wonderful man than to keep reproducing because whoever says I should. Xox

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  7. Love how you are in this post. I hated being pregnant even though I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy. I love my daughter but also became a single mother when she was 3 months and boy that was hard! And guess what, people would still ask me if I wanted another…with who??? People should keep their opinions to themselves, it’s your business how many children YOU choose to have, no one else’s.

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    1. Thank you Tasha! The mentality of people is so mind baffling it’s insane! Being a single mother is no joke and although my sons father is very active in his life, it still doesn’t stop it from being very difficult! I can’t wait for the day when people just start minding their own business!!! lol x

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  8. This was perfect in every way that it could be. I vow to never ever make another woman feel as though she should be doing something I believe to be. It’s not fair. Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts. I truly appreciate you pushing through and posting. Following for more and reading through your posts!

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  9. Freakin’ LOVE this!!!!! I’ve not even had my baby yet (first pregnancy) and already people are asking when my next one will be!!!! I don’t want more than one!! I’d rather have one and be able to give that one everything!!! But you have just explained it in the best way ever 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

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